8 years and still kickin’

 It’s been a hard year so far… but I’m still incredibly grateful for it! I realize now as I look back on my last entry that I felt I had so much to update on and it was all so emotionally charged, that all I could do was word vomit it all out as fast as possible. 

Walking beside my dad while he had to come to terms with his diagnosis was like reliving my experience again in fast forward. He struggled with a lot of guilt, blaming himself for his diagnosis. He said to us many times how sorry he was. We (my mother and siblings) continued to tell him that he had nothing to be sorry for!  This was not his fault. I was incredulous at how he was feeling…. Until I flipped the roles and realized that I have been harbouring so much guilt for putting my kids through this stress and making them deal with mortality so young. 

In my dad’s final days, while he was unresponsive and we were administering morphine through a pump when he’d seem to be uncomfortable or agitated, my heart hurt for him and for us.  I kept flashing forward to the same scene and thinking of my kids having to watch me just breathe, because that’s where all my energy was going. It broke my heart all over again. 

I did come to realize that while it is still incredibly sad and I will always miss him, we are ok. We are living with his memory and doing things with him in our hearts. I am starting to see that while it will be sad, my kids will have a lot of support and they will be resilient. I am still working on the guilt piece… but I guess mom-guilt is a tough nut to crack. Work in progress. 

I did finish the marathon. 5 hours and 13 minutes. Not at all close to what I was hoping for before radiation… but considering that I basically ran it with pneumonia in one lung… I will take it as a win. I’m still struggling with the effects of this radiation induced pneumonitis and I’m coming to terms with the fact that my lung function might not return to what it was. I’m fine in my day to day activities, it only affects my running. But that makes me feel fallible and that is hard to swallow. I have always  felt as though if I can run, I’m not dying and now that I’m struggling, it’s extra hard. 

I do still have a lot to celebrate though!  I’m writing this from the airport lounge as Ian and I are heading out on a 20th wedding anniversary trip. When I was diagnosed 8 years ago I never thought I’d see this day. I wasn’t sure I’d get to see Sean (my oldest) start high school and I certainly didn’t think I’d get to see Caitlyn start high school… she was in Grade 1 when I was initially diagnosed as stage 4. Yet here I am… tucking one “I’ll never see it” box after another. They head out together in the mornings; grade 12 and grade 9 and it’s a beautiful thing. 

I’m also very blessed to be starting a brand new trial in late October. Radioligand treatment. I’ll be the first at Princess Margaret to participate in this trial. It’s always exciting to have another chance and another opportunity for hope. 

I’m sure Ian will be doing his social media manager role this trip… so stay tuned :)