My run with Cancer

  It’s been a hard year so far… but I’m still incredibly grateful for it! I realize now as I look back on my last entry that I felt I had so much to update on and it was all so emotionally charged, that all I could do was word vomit it all out as fast as possible.  Walking beside my dad while he had to come to terms with his diagnosis was like reliving my experience again in fast forward. He struggled with a lot of guilt, blaming himself for his diagnosis. He said to us many times how sorry he was. We (my mother and siblings) continued to tell him that he had nothing to be sorry for!  This was not his fault. I was incredulous at how he was feeling…. Until I flipped the roles and realized that I have been harbouring so much guilt for putting my kids through this stress and making them deal with mortality so young.  In my dad’s final days, while he was unresponsive and we were administering morphine through a pump when he’d seem to be uncomfortable or agitated, my hear...

I have struggled with writing something here for months. At the end of 2024 I wasn't sure what to write because I was in a period of uncertainty. The clinical trial had been hugely successful, reversing years of growth.  In late 2024 my scans started to show signs of treatment failure. As I said to my oncologist “I’ve seen this film before… and I didn’t like the ending”. There were signs of growth but nothing definitive; nothing that qualified as treatment progression. In November they asked me if I had developed a cough (not something you want your oncologist to ask). Apparently there was a tumour that was growing next to my right bronchus and they were concerned. We decided to try going up in dose to see if it would help and rescan in January.  For some reason this spurred me to do what I said I would never do… sign up for a full marathon 🤦‍♀️. Looking back… I signed up on January 1st (maybe I was still under the influence?)  Soon after, January hit my family like a ru...

 Ian has been on my case to update this blog… so here I am. I preface this with… it’s all good news. I’ve just had my third set of CT scans since the end of January… 3 scans each showing continued treatment response (or as I have coined it… shrinkage). I can’t bring myself to read my scan reports but Ian seems to have no problem. It’s a new beast to have them at my fingertips. It’s not something that my native hospital in Kitchener does… “My Chart” is not a thing. I have never been able to see test results at the same time as my doctors. I know that freedom of information is important… but raw information without context can be dangerous in my opinion. When you don’t have the educated interpretation of what this means for you, I feel like it causes undue anxiety and stress. But I digress… because as Ian said… when the report says “this spot went from 13mm to 8mm” that can only mean good things. I am now almost 5 months into this trial and it has reversed almost 4 years of growth. ...

I am happy to report that my most recent dose (dose reduced) has gone very well. I have had basically no side effects.  My doctors also shared that the official measurements had come in and my tumours have decreased by 34% after just 3 treatments and my tumour markers (CEA) was down to 2.5 (it hasn’t been that low since at least 2020).  I was really nervous going into treatment this past Tuesday.  Not only was I afraid that I would feel awful again… but afraid of what that might mean; as though a carrot was dangled in front of me and ripped away because my body couldn’t handle it.  However I’m happy to report that it went better than I ever expected!  I even went for a 4km run when I got home the next day (I think 24 hours of sitting on my butt and watching Netflix while drinking copious amounts of coffee made me a little squirrelly). However that run was also fueled by a need to process conflicting emotions.  As I waited for Ian to pick me up from PMH, I w...

  I wish I could tell you that my third treatment was a breeze…. But it was far from it.  I started to react as usual with horrible nausea and then the fevers but this time my blood pressure dropped dramatically (75/52) and I started to develop joint pain overnight.  My joints hurt so much that I found it hard to move the covers on or off my body. I went home after 24 hours (Wednesday) with the rotation of Advil and Tylenol for the fevers and joint pain in hope that things would clear quickly.  While the fevers cleared at the 48 hour mark again (Thursday evening), the joint pain worsened.  In the early morning hours of Friday I woke up in so much pain I didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t move without excruciating pain.  Trying to lift my arm to grab the sheet caused me to cry out.  I actually found myself lying there questioning whether birthing a 9lb baby with no epidural was worse… I came to the decision that they were just different but compar...

   I am writing this from my room at Princess Margaret while I await my third treatment in this trial. Treatment #2 went much better, only requiring one night in hospital and fevers were all finished within 48 hours.  I was saying to Ian that’s it’s strange to wait for the onslaught of side effects. With chemo the side effects came on somewhat gradually. With this treatment it’s like I get punched in the face. Bam! I’m hanging over a garbage can and spiking fevers.  Here’s hoping it’s not that bad and I can go home today…. They just hung the IV Benedryl so this post is getting cut short as I start my sedative stupor.  Let the games begin!