Sitting in the highs and the lows



I am happy to report that my most recent dose (dose reduced) has gone very well. I have had basically no side effects.  My doctors also shared that the official measurements had come in and my tumours have decreased by 34% after just 3 treatments and my tumour markers (CEA) was down to 2.5 (it hasn’t been that low since at least 2020). 
I was really nervous going into treatment this past Tuesday.  Not only was I afraid that I would feel awful again… but afraid of what that might mean; as though a carrot was dangled in front of me and ripped away because my body couldn’t handle it.  However I’m happy to report that it went better than I ever expected!  I even went for a 4km run when I got home the next day (I think 24 hours of sitting on my butt and watching Netflix while drinking copious amounts of coffee made me a little squirrelly). However that run was also fueled by a need to process conflicting emotions. 
As I waited for Ian to pick me up from PMH, I was on a high. I felt so good… and I was so excited about all the results I was given. I was elated. Then I got text from a good friend who had just come out of her oncology follow up. She had just received the news that her cancer had returned and is in multiple organs. Needless to say I was devastated for her. She has been riding this wave of cancer with me for a few years now; a couple of years behind me, slightly different cancers, she is younger and has younger children… but we share similar experiences. I found myself almost feeling some survivor guilt and I was angry.  Angry that someone else has to deal with this BS. Angry that someone else has to tell their children that the cancer is back. Just angry… and sad. 
I have felt as though my good results were truly an answer to prayer. I have prayed for a long time that God would use me to demonstrate new cancer treatment effectiveness and bring His healing power to the doctors and researchers. My friend was instrumental in organizing prayer support, even ensuring that I had people praying for me every hour while in hospital. I was so moved and supported by her and her faith and her gift of prayer. Then within weeks… she’s knocked down. It’s hard to understand. 
Today many of us prayed with her and lifted her as best we could. I remind myself that we live in a broken world and that our faith binds us together. 
There are many of us walking this walk. It’s a journey of highs and lows… and more highs and more lows… but we do it together with our families and friends who feel their own highs and lows. So while I try and enjoy my high, I will sit with those in their lows and try and make some space for both. 


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