Living in the light

 Ian has been on my case to update this blog… so here I am. I preface this with… it’s all good news.

I’ve just had my third set of CT scans since the end of January… 3 scans each showing continued treatment response (or as I have coined it… shrinkage). I can’t bring myself to read my scan reports but Ian seems to have no problem. It’s a new beast to have them at my fingertips. It’s not something that my native hospital in Kitchener does… “My Chart” is not a thing. I have never been able to see test results at the same time as my doctors. I know that freedom of information is important… but raw information without context can be dangerous in my opinion. When you don’t have the educated interpretation of what this means for you, I feel like it causes undue anxiety and stress. But I digress… because as Ian said… when the report says “this spot went from 13mm to 8mm” that can only mean good things.

I am now almost 5 months into this trial and it has reversed almost 4 years of growth.  It’s hard to reconcile what that means. How to reconcile numbers on a CT scan with physical function; function that changes with every new treatment. It brings about questions of what can I expect?  Can I count on this level of function enough to make plans for the future? Then I find out that a fellow stage 4 thriver discovered that she had cancer spread to her brain and was gone in the span of a month. Or someone else that was on this trial with me, who didn't respond, just passed away and I'm left with a feeling of "why?".  Why am I doing so well when others aren't?  Because that question will never be answered, I just keep trying to focus on what I can do, and do that.  

This disease doesn’t treat people evenly. It seems to have a mind of its own.

I am currently living in the light... making plans and not promises for the future (stole that one for a fellow stage 4 thriver)… training for my next half marathon; considering how I might utilize this new opportunity for time. I know the clouds could roll in at any time, but for now, I am continuing to actively chose to live in the light.



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