This has been a hard one to write

 I typically haven't been updating this very much because things have been status quo for over 18 months.  We fine tuned the chemo side effects... I was truly living life and cancer really became more of a chronic condition.  

At the beginning of the pandemic I remember praying "please let me outlive this thing so I can travel with my kids".  As time has gone on, that seemed more and more possible.  I had a great trip with some of my closest friends in October and was also able to take the kids away for a fun filled week in the Dominican just a couple weeks ago.  We had a fantastic time together.  

I knew I was coming back to a CT scan and chemo within days and as usual, we had some scanxiety but that has become so routine that even that wasn't too bad.  We landed on Thursday (Nov 18), had a CT the next day (on Friday) and was to see my oncologist followed by chemo on the Monday. This was the first time I was able to see my oncologist in person,, with Ian since the beginning of the pandemic, which was so nice.

My oncologist told us that while my CT didn't show any significant growth, my tumor markers have been climbing sharply over the past couple of months.  He asked me how I was feeling.  I responded as per usual that I was fine; still going to the gym regularly, running etc.  He asked if I was feeling any increased fatigue... I said no and Ian said yes... pretty much simultaneously.  I have since jokingly accused him of ratting me out. My oncologist responded with "we need to switch chemo".  He described that the increased fatigue was more than likely a sign that the cancer was increasing in intensity and causing my fatigue.  Fatigue I had been dismissing... figuring it was the cumulative effect of 18 months of chemo.  I guess I was wrong.  My doctor indicated that based on what my tumor markers have been doing... increased growth is imminent and we should get ahead of it before I start feeling more fatigue. 

This was a really hard pill for me to swallow (no pun intended).  I feel like I have "good quality of life" as much as I hate that phrase.  I really wanted more time on this protocol... if only because more time on this means more time overall.  That day we agreed to stay with our current protocol for the day, wait and see what that day's tumor markers looked like and then decide what we would do for the next "chemo day".  Sure enough, tumor markers came back significantly elevated from the last sample... so switching we are.

This means switching from FOLFIRI to FOLFOX.  FOLFOX being the chemo I did back in 2018... the chemo I was allergic to.  It's also the chemo that gives you severe neuropathy to cold... so again I find myself doing this protocol in the dead of winter (insert eye roll here).

I start FOLFOX tomorrow.  I am nervous... not going to lie.  I'm worried that the pre-meds for the allergy won't work... I'm worried about how I'm going to feel... I can't predict day to day anymore,  I used to be able to schedule my life around my good days and bad days... now it's a little harder.  

In short... I'm pissed.

I'm angry with my body... I'm angry at God... I'm just angry.  And tired... and scared of what tired means... and just tired of being tired!  

I'll try and post an update later this week.

Stay safe,

Shannon