My thoughts from July 11th

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago... never posted it.  I think I felt like I had to make some tough decisions before putting these thoughts out there. But here it is....

Sitting here right now I'm feeling great physically and emotionally to be honest.  I was able to run 8km yesterday on Day 4 of a chemo treatment which is a record for me thus far.  It was purposefully slow (7min/km) but felt great!  I've decided running can almost help me stay in denial about this.  Really... if I don't feel sick, and it isn't getting in my way... it can't really be an issue right now... right?!?!  I know that this thing will eventually get me... but I also know that day isn't today, and that I have a lot of life to live between now and then.  I have a scan scheduled for July 29th to check on how the chemo is working... the goal being no new spots and ideally the existing ones shrinking.  Time will tell...  but shrinkage is on the prayer list!

The part that I struggle with now... is what to do.  I am finding that this chemo is making me stupid!  Some call it chemo brain... much like baby brain!!!  (the parallels between cancer and pregnancy are endless... but that is a post for another day).  It feels like you are trying to multitask during a rock concert with kids asking for dinner... when really, all you're trying to do is make a grilled cheese sandwich... by yourself!  Needless to say attempt #1 at grilled cheese was an epic fail... almost needed a fire extinguisher. 

As I write this, I am starting a week of holidays from work to figure out if I am just a little burnt out... or if maybe it's time for me to step back.  I have been going full tilt through telling the kids, working in disability management during a pandemic (fun times!) and managing the stressors of covid and cancer with 2 school age kids while both parents work from home.  #crazytimes

The hard part... if I stop working, I feel like I'm giving up. But then when your 8 year old turns to you and says "Mom, last time you were on chemo, you stopped working... when are you going to stop working this time???"... you start to question your next steps.   I feel like I've put my desire to keep things "normal" ahead of the needs of my kids and that is a hard pill to swallow.  But... I have always said working gives me a sense of fulfillment and makes me a happier and healthier person... which I think in turn makes me a better mom (or at least a nicer person to be around).  So it's hard to say.

I do feel incredibly blessed to work for an incredible employer and an amazing group of people who have been so incredibly supportive in helping me stay at work.  In my profession I can see the effects of a negative workplace and it's impact on people's wellbeing.  I have had the joy of experiencing work as a family.  I have worked with many of these people for 15 + years, in different capacities and different reporting relationships... and none of that has changed that sense of family.  I don't want to lose them! 


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